etiquette

Etiquette for People Facing the Loss

of a Valued Animal

Bonnie S. Mader

While these are written specifically with the veterinarian in mind, they have a lot to offer anyone who has a friend who has lost a pet.

DO....

Give support.

Provide the opportunity to talk about feelings and concerns--before, during and after a loss.

Educate about any medical procedure or treatment carefully, using lay terms. Provide written information whenever possible. Be sure to educate thoroughly about the euthanasia procedure BEFORE it happens. Explain how euthanasia solution helps an animal to die and how the body responds to the solution. If scheduling does not allow for this, gently describe what you are doing while you are performing the euthanasia.

Ask people to share memories of the animal (or any loved one)

Reminisce about fond memories you have of the animal--anytime.

Use the animal's name...even after the animal has died.

Provide a hug, a squeeze of the hand, or touch on the shoulder-whatever you feel comfortable doing. With some people you don't know well, you may need to ask permission first: "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?"

Listen more than talk.

Know that depression and anger are normal emotions and expressions of grief, just as are unusual behaviours. Be accepting and patient; do not take a grieving person's negative attitudes or behaviours personally--give them a lot of room for not doing things "better."

Say, "There's nothing I can really say right now to change things or make you feel better, although I wish I could. I want you to know that I am here for you." (Mean what you say. )

Cry with them if it feels natural to you. Maintain your professionalism so that you are able to follow through with the job at hand. Allow yourself to be more emotional latter. Keep up with your own grief work.

Send a condolence note signed by members of your staff, with personal comments about the animal and how he or she will be missed.

For special clients, send flowers and/ or make a follow-up phone call, i.e. "We’ve been thinking of you here at the clinic and we're wondering how you are doing?"

Send a donation in the deceased animal's name to an organization that benefits animals

Always give clients information about a local pet loss support group to attend and/or Pet Loss Support Hotline to call. While it is kind to share your own compassion and support, additional support services are beneficial in ways you are not trained for, or have the time to provide. Make it a habit of giving this type of information to every client dealing with the loss of an animal. This way you are letting your clients decide if they want to pursue additional help, rather than you possibly assessing incorrectly who needs it and who does not.

Don't say....
I know how you feel.
He/ she isn't suffering any more.
Everything happens for a reason.
He/she is in a better place.
All clouds have a silver lining.
It's a blessing.
You were lucky to have him/her this long.
Think of all your precious memories.
Only the good die young.
You think you've got it bad...
Life goes on.
It's been two months (or however long); you shouldn't still be so sad.
If I were you, I would have done it (or would do it) this way.
Why did you do that?
Time will heal.
Faith teaches us to be strong.
Think of only the good times.
When my animal died...
It's probably for the best.
All Seal Point Siamese look the same. Just get another one

Most of us have said some of these "don't say" comments at one point or another. In fact, some of these comments have a lot of truth to them. Life does go on. Time often does heal, or at least lessen, enormous heartache. The ending of suffering is good. The thing to keep in mind is that when a person is experiencing an acute sense of loss, logic is not comforting. With acute grief, simply acknowledging the sadness and overwhelming sense of loss is appropriate and is more helpful.

Don't ever say, "You know, you can always get another animal. As a matter of fact, I know of one who needs a home right now." This comment does not acknowledge the unique relationship the person has lost. People need to grieve and be validated for the feelings they are having about this specific loss. It is impossible to recreate lost relationships with another being who is, in itself, unique (even if the same breed). The length of time, and way a person needs to mourn varies with each individual.

Telling a person that she/he can simply replace a relationship by getting a new dog/ cat/iguana/ parakeet/horse, etc., is similar to telling a parent who has lost a child that she/he can always have another one..